Trapped Inside a Bubble

In Diaz’s story “Drown”, it interesting that the narrator stays home with his mother while his friend, Beto, heads off to college. At first, I saw his act of staying home as choice. I mean, his mother seems to be unable to take care of herself when she’s alone, so I assumed that that’s why the narrator stays home, to help her. If he were to leave, his mother would have no one to walk her to the mall, especially since they live in a dangerous neighborhood. She could easily be mugged or the house could be broken into. And she seems worried about this, as she insists that he check to see if the windows are locked every day. “Before we head out she drags us through the apartment to make sure the windows are locked. She can’t reach the latches so she has me test them. With the air conditioner on we never open windows but I go through the routine anyway” (96). Even though the narrator knows the windows are locked, he still goes through with the process in order to make sure that his mother feels safe. At times when his mother feels lonely, she calls his father, a man who lives with another woman in Florida, but claims that he would leave this other woman if the mother would just come live with him in Florida. (Which honestly sounds like some solid bullshit if you ask me). When the narrator catches his mother on the phone with his father, he doesn’t even try to reason with her, he’ll just “walk in on her and hang up the phone” (101). He knows that his father is no good for his mother, for he only calls when he’s in need of money and he just makes false promises. She’s better off without him, and the narrator is there to remind her of that. So, after considering all of this, it seems like the narrator only stays home because he needs to take care of his mother. If he left, she would be helpless. She honestly would probably move to Florida if the narrator left. So, this reason would seem pretty legitimate.

But, I’m not totally sold on this reasoning. I’m sure that the narrator’s mother needs the narrator to stay back and watch over her, but I don’t think that’s the true reason he stays behind while Beto leaves. I think the narrator has confidence issues. He stays home because home is where he’s familiar with and he’s comfortable being in. His home town is like his own comfortable little bubble. Even though he presents himself as a kind of hard character, deep down, he’s scared to try new things. When he was younger and was hanging out with Beto, he would always have Beto figuratively and literally hold his hand when they did things new. “You little shits better come out here real slow, I started to cry. Beto didn’t say a word, his face stretched out and gray, his hand squeezing mind, the bones in our fingers pressing together” (99). When the two boys are getting caught for shoplifting, Beto takes the narrator’s hand and squeezes it. He provides a sense of comfort and companionship, something that the narrator has proved that he needs in life. Not to belittle him, but he needs to have his hand held when doing things. This is also evident when Beto leaves for college and the narrator is left at home with his mother. At home, he takes her to the mall, checks the windows in her house, helps her pay the bills, and all in all, helps her mother live semi-comfortably in life. But, this kind of situation could be flipped. The narrator’s mother is keeping him safe by checking the windows, giving him something to do with his day by taking him to the mall, helping him with the bills in the house, and all in all, helping the narrator live a decent life at home while most of his friends leave. She holds his hand as he stays inside his little bubble, too afraid to pop it and enter the world outside his home town.

This is why, even though the physical relationship between Beto and the narrator was too much for him, the narrator still wants to see Beto. He longs for that sense of comfort that he feels when he’s around him. Although he isn’t quite sure about his sexuality, he knows that Beto was his best friend and that he wants things to go back to the good ole days, the days where he was comfortable with what they were doing, or at least, when they were in unfamiliar territory, Beto was holding his hand the whole time. Because of Beto’s departure, the narrator has latched onto his mother because he knows that she will stay by his side. This could also be why the narrator tries to cut off any connection his mother may have with his father. He may fear that she will run away to Florida, him to fend for himself in the world. In this sort of situation, the narrator would then either have to find a way to live alone in the world, or latch onto someone else.

In any case, it’s quite an interesting situation because, as stated earlier, the narrator seems like this tough, drug dealing guy, but when analyzing his thoughts, one can see just how scared he really is of the world. He is trying to seem hard core to others because he’s self-conscious about what people may think of him. Possibly fortunately for him, his self-consciousness may drive him to leave home when he gets older, as people may start to make fun of him for staying home with his mother. Either way, it’s not clear to see if he will ever reconnect with Beto, but if he does, I’ll bet it will take him even longer to leave home. Right now (at the present time in the book), one of the reasons the narrator chooses to stay home is that Beto is somewhere out there. He tries to avoid Beto, while also trying to secretly see him, assumably because he misses that comfortability he has when he’s with him, so he doesn’t have to face the fact that he could do so much more if he just stepped outside his little bubble he’s been living in all his life.

The Wait

In “Aguantando” we are given the third story following Rafa and Yunior’s life. Interestingly enough, this particular story takes place in between “Ysrael” and “Fiesta, 1980”, we are aware of what has happened before and after this story. Because having read “Fiesta, 1980”, we already know that the father does return to the family and brings them all to America. So, we are placed in this middle chapter where both the characters and readers are waiting for him to return. It’s interesting to see just how each generational character(s) endure the wait until the father returns home. We have Abuelo who “stared down at the back of his hands, at the long white hairs that covered them. He looked embarrassed” (87). Once the father left, Abuelo was then put in charge of taking care of Mami and her children, making sure that they are okay until the father returns. But, over time, he has grown older, and Papi still has yet to return. He is beginning to fail at taking care of his little girl (Mami) and his grandkids. There’s only so much he can do with his traps to put in his share of keeping the family afloat. He is growing older as the days get longer, and since Mami holds on the fact that Papi will, someday, returns for them, and therefore turns down any and every suitor that approaches her, he doesn’t know what she will do when he is gone.

Next, we have Mami. Now, in this story, I found Mami to be a very compelling character. She and her family are in a very tight financial situation. It even comes to the point where she has to send her kids away in order to earn enough money to keep her kids happy and healthy. She holds on the fact that Papi is, indeed, coming for her and the kids. The wait is what keeps her head up and looking forward. She longs for the day of his return, and works hard until that day will come, because she is convinced it will come. This is why she turns down all her different suitors, because she knows that no one them could promise to provide as much as Papi did. With Papi’s gesture of offering her a cigarette, and then the whole pack, he is promising her that he will be a provider. He won’t let her settle with one cigarette, because with him, she can have it all. Now, obviously, things haven’t working out that way. He has (assumably temporarily) abandoned his family to live in America, and hasn’t provided any financial aid, consequently causing his family to be stuck in the mud in the Dominican Republic.

But Mami still clings to the idea of him returning. Family means a lot to her, and she has two kids with this man. So, when Papi claims that he is returning to her (the first time), Mami gets all excited. She is happy that the wait is over, and that she survived it all and brought her family with her, all in one piece. She’s ready to be lifted up and saved by her husband. She organized a party, even purchased a goat to be slaughtered, only to find out that he, in fact, was not coming home, and that she would have to wait even longer for him. This caused Mami to have a breakdown because it made her inspiration in life, what compels her to move forward, illegitimate. After this, she goes back to waiting for him, but it isn’t the same. Yes, she still won’t accept offers from any suitors, but she also isn’t totally clinging on to the idea that Papi is coming back. This kind of thought doesn’t have the same effect it used to because he let her down, making his return claims seem less realistic. She is left to find other inspirations in life because Papi has proved to be an unreliable one.

Finally, we have the third generation, the boys. Rafa and Yunior have a different view of their father, especially Yunior, who doesn’t even remember the guy. All he knows of his Papi is what he looked like in 1965 due to a picture he has. Because of this, when the boys find out that their father is returning, the two have a sort of fairytale vision of his return. In it, he will be taller, because of all that Northamerican food he has been eating, (although, in present time, I suppose that would only making one wider, rather than taller), he will sweep Mami up off her feet by picking her up in a nice, German car and taking her to see a movie at the place where they met. He would be wearing expensive clothes and jewelry and swarms of crowds would come out to see him in his triumphant return. He would then look at Yunior, his little boy whom he has barely known, trace the scars of his body, and then state his name. I mean, if I hadn’t known better, I would have thought the first half of this vision was a modern version of Shrek or something. It’s like Papi is Mami’s knight in shining armor, and he has come to rescue from her tower and they will live happily ever after. Now, this could very well be the way things happen, but, from having read “Fiesta, 1980”, we know that the family’s life after doesn’t follow the fairytale storyline.

It could be said that Yunior invisions these aspects of his father in contrast to his current situation. He believes his father will have material wealth, something that he and his family do not possess. What’s interesting is that he mentions his Papi having a German car, one that he could pick his family up and take them to the land of prosperity. But, we see in “Fiesta, 1980”, that although he does have a Volkswagen (which is a German car), it makes Yunior carsick. He believes that his father will trace the scars on his arms and head, something that his mother did not care about. “She didn’t want to hear nothing about our problems, the scratches we’d put into our kees, who said what” (73). Finally, he believes his father will call him is own, claim him as his son. Although it is evident that Mami loves Yunior very much, because she is tired all the time from working, she doesn’t show it very often. Especially after her breakdown, she finds it hard to find a connection with anyone in her family, because they all represent Papi and his false comings. Although Yunior invision his father to be this knight in shining armor, unfortunately, he will soon realize that he is not the man he thought he would be, and their family dynamic will change drastically following his return.

All in all, it’s interesting to see how all the characters respectively wait for the return of Papi. Waiting seems to be taking a toll on all of them as the children begin to fantasize, the mother breaks down, and Abuelo’s hairs are turning white. It would be interesting to see what actually happened once the father returned, and if it lived up to Rafa’s and Yunior’s expectations. Unfortunately, we know what the aftermath of his return is and so we could infer that his return wasn’t as spectacular as they had hoped. Even if Papi’s comeback was awful, it seems like Mami has based so much of her life alone in the Dominican Republic, waiting for Papi, that once he returns, she would do anything to stay with him. It would be interesting to see how things pan out after “Fiesa, 1980” as we can already see the inner workings of the family and how it is falling apart, even though Mami has worked so hard to keep it together.

is this a love story?

This question was posed at the beginning of Thursday’s class, and it really got me thinking about what this story about Lucero and Aurora relationship really is. Is it a love story? In my answer, I stated yes, but then later explained that it isn’t a conventional love story, but a love story none the less. It was stated in class that the relationship between Lucero and Aurora seem like more of an addiction than love, but I would argue that it is both. See, these two can break up and be separated all they want, but they almost always come crawling back to each other. They crave for the others companionship and attention. Each of them provides a sense of comfort that they can’t seem to live without. Their love is toxic because they have become addicted to it.

Part of this is evident when Aurora gets sent off the juvie and Lucero is able to have a break from her. In fact, without Aurora there, he seems to do very well, proving that he is capable to breaking this toxic bond and living to tell the tale. But, when Aurora gets out and comes back to him, he is sent spiraling back to square one as he states, “you know how it is when you get back with somebody you’ve loved. It felt better than it ever was, better than it ever could be again” (64). Lucero is like an addict who attempted to be clean, but breaks, and now feels temporarily better than ever, finally being able to be with the person he loves and hates so dearly. I mean, it’s clear that he knows that she isn’t good for him. Both his friend, Cut, and his conscience tell him that he needs to leave her, but his body won’t let him. He feels attached to her, telling himself that he could leave whenever he wants to, but deep down, I don’t think he can. He claims that he has “the iron will” and could quit whenever he feels like it. But, Cut sees through his bluff and states that, “people like her got addictive personalities. You don’t want to be catching that” (63). Cut can see that Lucero is just following this girl down a rabbit hole that, as time goes on, he may not be able to dig himself out of it.

And Cut isn’t the only one who disapproves of this relationship. Lucero himself knows that it’s toxic and that he needs get out and breath some fresh air before he totally plunges under. “If I had half a brain I would have done what Cut told me to do. Dump her sorry ass” (64). Lucero knows that this relationship is not good for both of them. The pain that they inflict on each other leaves scars, both internal and external. Lucero even states that he’s “amazed at how nasty [he] feel[s], how [he] want[s] to put [his] fist in her face” (55). The sex and beating makes the love between these two incredibly dangerous for both parties. Aurora will leave bruised by Lucero’s punches, while Lucero will leave with scratch marks down his arms by Aurora’s nails. We know that Lucero disapproves of this kind of relationship, and assumably Aurora does too at times, but they can’t get away from each other, they are each other’s drug, kryptonite, and source of happiness in life. (Although, arguably, Lucero also finds happiness in drug dealing, just not the same kind he feels with Aurora).

Another unfortunate aspect of this relationship is that Lucero clings on to the fantasy of being clean from this love addiction. “I know people who quite just like that, who wake up one day with bad breath and say, No more. I’ve had enough” (61). Lucero knows it’s possible for him to leave Aurora and focus on his work and find a more stable relationship, but a part of him doesn’t want to spend his life without Aurora. He’s addicted to the feeling of being with her and I don’t think this addiction will ever completely leave him. As Mr. Mitchell stated, this kind of love involves two people trying really hard against insane odds. They are trying to both make things work before they break things and this relationship gets too out of control (because things are already relatively out of their hands at this point).

Just Scratching the Surface

Looking back, it’s interesting to ponder why Diaz chose to title his second story “Fiesta, 1980”, when the party in the story is obviously filled with tension and is unlike a typical celebratory environment. The narrator, Yunior, isn’t even allowed to eat at the party because his father worries that he will vomit on the car ride back. (I suppose Papi doesn’t know that, because Yunior will inevitably get sick on the way back. His little boy will end up vomiting stomach acid instead of food if he doesn’t eat anything. It’s sort of a “pick your poison” type of situation). Yunior is instead forced to sit down in front of the TV and watch the other kids eat. There he is questioned by other kids why his father is acting so mean towards him, to which his response is, “he’s a dick” (38). Rafa then shakes his head and tells Yunior that he shouldn’t say such things in front of others, assumably because it would attract unwanted attention towards their family. The situation is similar with the affair Papi is having. Both boys know about it but no one says a thing because you don’t just openly talk about things like that. Those are family matters and, in that case, meant to be kept between Papi and his boys, which means not even the mother is not meant to know about it (obviously).

But, I suppose women talk and the stunt Papi pulled got some heads turning, specifically Tia, who pulls Yunior aside to ask if everything was okay. Since the idea of keeping one’s business to themselves has become ingrained in Yunior’s brain, when Tia asks about the family situation, Yunior just shrugs it off. In fact, he tries to play it so she won’t be suspicious. Obviously, as readers, we know that things are not okay at Yunior’s house. The father is being unfaithful, the mother is unable to stand up to the father, even she most likely knows that something is up, his brother isn’t his proud self anymore as his masculinity is shushed by his father’s presence, and Yunior can’t seem to keep his damn food in his mouth once he steps in a car. Like I said, things are not okay in this household. But he can’t say anything because it would compromise his masculinity. He needs to take these things like a man, and that means bottling up these things inside.

It seems as though Diaz was being a little sarcastic when he titled this story, “Fiesta, 1980”, because this party doesn’t particularly scream “fiesta” when I read it. I mean, on the outside, this seems like a normal party; people are dancing, eating, and ultimately having a great time with great company. But, when one looks closer, they can see that there isn’t many things about this get together that scream “party”. Papi and Mami will barely dance with each other, Yunior vomits just before he enters and isn’t allowed to eat food like the rest of the kids at the party, and everyone is beginning to suspect that something is wrong in Yunior’s family, particularly with Papi. For Yunior, this sure isn’t a fun party, it’s awful. And, to make things worse, he ends up vomiting on the car ride back from the party which was obviously just the cherry on top of this unfortunate evening. So, all in all, I think it’s interesting how Diaz portrays what the surface layer of this get together is with the title, and then dives deep into the tensions that are present at this party scene. It correlates with how, on the surface, Yunior (and Rafa) are forced to act like everything is fine in their family and that they are all smiles, but deep down things are not okay. It’s not until you begin to scratch off the surface that you uncover the truth behind the tension of this family. Going forward, if there are future stories about this family, it will be interesting to see how things pan out in the future. Whether or not Papi and Mami stay together (and if not, what will happen to Rafa and Yunior) is an interesting question that hope will be answered later on in this collection of short stories.

Influence

In Junot Diaz’s Drown, it’s interesting to contrast the two stories, “Ysrael” and “Fiesta, 1980”, in how the men in this family interact. In “Ysrael”, we are mainly observing Rafa and Yunior and how the two brothers interact. The story begins with the two hanging out with their tios during the summer because their mother works long hours and is unable to care for them while they are out of school. When living in the city with their mother, Yunior notes that Rafa tends to ignore him, acting like he doesn’t exist. “Back home in the Capital, Rafa had his own friends...Back in the Capital he rarely said anything to me except Shut up, pendejo”. While living in the city, all Rafa and Yunior do is fight and then ignore each other, they are both in their own worlds, even though Yunior seems to implicate that he would like to hang out with Rafa back in the Capital, (Santo Domingo), more often. Rafa has his own friends in the city and doesn’t have time to look after his baby brother. But, while in the campo, Yunior states that “it wasn’t like that. In the campo we were friends” (5). Yunior values their times in the campo because, even though Rafa exclaims that he is extremely bored, he and his brother are able to hang out and do stuff together. His brother is able to show him the ropes of how to be a man. Since their father lives in America, Yunior is only able to look up to his older brother for guidance in masculinity, who only hangs out with him when his friends aren’t around and when he has nothing else to do.

So, how does Rafa teach him how to be a man? Well, it’s apparent that Rafa thinks he’s hot shit 24/7 while living in the Dominican Republic. (Most likely in Santo Domingo too). Unlike Yunior, Rafa remembers their father because he was six years old when he left. Because Yunior was only three, he doesn’t have a clear picture of what his father was like. So, to make up for that, Rafa takes Yunior under his wing during the summer in order to fill that influential fatherly figure in his life. When they pull off their bus scam, Rafa see’s Yunior crying and says, “You...are a pussy...What the hell’s the matter with you?...You have to get tougher. Crying all the time. Do you think our papi’s crying? Do you think that’s what he’s been doing for the last six years?” (13-14). Rafa berates Yunior for crying at all. He implies that, when you are a real man, you don’t cry. He even pulls their father into the picture, knowing that Yunior doesn’t have a very clear idea of what their father was actually like, implying that their papi is a real man and he doesn’t cry, so neither should he. Now, assumably, Rafa is unaware of what has really made Yunior cry. And even though being molested on the bus gives Yunior a legitimate to cry, he choose to not tell Rafa. Yunior has learned that being a man means you must take things and not complain. You keep things like these to yourself. If you go and tell other people that makes you less masculine. You must suck it up and deal with it by yourself.

It almost seems as if Rafa repeats the phrase, “You think our papi’s crying?” to himself constantly. I get the feeling that he is not only trying to teach his younger brother how to be a man, but he’s also trying to prove to Yunior that he himself is a real man. This is one of the reasons I believe Rafa wanted to visit Ysrael and see what’s truly under that mask. He not only prompts his younger brother to beat Ysrael up with him, but he also rips off his mask, revealing the disfigured face behind it. See, around the campo, Ysrael is seen as a myth, a legend. To show that he is the top dog, Rafa decides to unmask the legend exposing his insecurities and then leaving him to sulk. By doing this, Rafa is able to hide his own insecurities about living up to the man his father is. He feels the need to prove to the world just how masculine he is so he is not a disgrace to his father’s name.

But, in “Fiesta, 1980”, the family dynamic changes as the father enters the scene. Once the family is all settled in in America, we can see how Rafa sort of steps down from the fatherly position, and the father assumes that role instead. But, even though it is a shift in position, there are a lot of similarities between Rafa and his father, especially in the ways they treat Yunior. In order to try and help with Yunior’s car sickness, his Papi took him on one-on-one car trips. Yunior explains that, “these were the only times me and Papi did anything together. When we were alone he treated me much better, like maybe I was his son or something” (35). Similar to Rafa, Papi will only acknowledge Yunior and be nice to him when other people aren’t around. When they are alone together, the two can do things together, but when they are apart, Yunior is just his disgraceful, vomiting son.

We also can see that the lessons Rafa has been teaching Yunior might be coming in handy when it comes to interacting with his father. Papi threatens Yunior to not eat, and he doesn’t even have to verbally threaten him when it comes to telling people about the affair. Papi has this control over his sons so they know not to speak to anyone about family business. What happens inside the family, stays inside the family. It’s quite interesting how the lessons Rafa taught Yunior in the first story carry over to the second story. Even though Rafa seems less confident in his masculinity, he definitely knows how to get on Papi’s good side because he’s learned the ropes. But, Yunior seems like a different person from his brother and father. Already we can see him having qualms with what his father and brother do, or at least he isn’t as confident as his brother or father. (Rafa was a very confident twelve-year-old, but Yunior is still afraid to talk to girls at the same age). It would be interesting to see how Yunior will grow up and what morals will stick with him and how he will develop differently as an individual.

As Things Fall Apart

After finishing our discussion on Lorrie Moore’s Self Help, I found it interesting how Moore chose to wrap up her novel with the story “To Fill”. Now, Riva is a pretty typical narrator that we’ve seen throughout Moore’s stories. Not only is the story in the typical second person narrative, but also, Riva seems to be in the same helpless situation that most narrators have been in throughout the novel. She feels trapped in a hopeless relationship, only this time, it’s more than a relationship, it’s a marriage. This means that she and her (ex) husband have a deeper connection than that of Charlene and her apparent shared boyfriend. But, I guess this kind of bond isn’t strong enough because Riva’s husband is still led to be unfaithful, putting his wife in a very difficult situation. She could break apart of the marriage, which would be very stressful and complicated since they have a child together, or she could stay with the guy, constantly tortured by the reminder of not being good enough for him.

I honestly feel like this is the catalyst for Riva’s mental decline. She feels like she is not good enough for her own husband, but she stays with him, unable to completely admit that anything is wrong with her marriage. She steals money that she doesn’t even need, she buys things that are unnecessary, and that other people frankly don’t want, and she denies her mother’s illness. All of these aspects of her personality sum up to Riva’s deep state of denial. She denies that anything is truly wrong in her life, and so she overeats, over spends, and over gifts in order to prove to her and others around her that she is okay and happy with how her life is going. She buys the most ridiculous things for her mother, like a chocolate Last Supper piece, which her mother ends up (intentionally?) knocking it over, where it breaks upon impact. Assumably, Riva knows that her mother doesn’t need (or want) these gifts, and that her marriage is broken beyond repair, but she denies that fact. She isn’t like her mother or father, because she is normal and fine. Her mother is the crazy one, admitting herself into a hospital when she isn’t really sick (or so she may seem), which she wants to believe that she is sane.

This kind of fact could tie into the title of the novel, Self Help, as we can see how things work out when a person only relies on him/herself for help. In almost every narrator in Moore’s stories, on the outside, they seem fine, but on the inside, they are dying, spiraling into dangerous mental states. In the last story, we see what happens when one is tipped a little too far and falls off the edge. Riva finally snaps and stabs her husband in the chest after she sees him with Julia, the other woman (see what I did there!). Seeing her husband with the woman he’s already cheated with at least once before, along with her own son wearing a University of Kentucky T-shirt, which is where Julia went to graduate school, just sends Riva into a mix of emotions. She breaks and is sent to the same hospital as her mother, showing that if one doesn’t reach out for help from others, they can have a psychotic break like Riva. On that day, she lost her job, husband, and possibly her child. She can’t deny things anymore because everything around her is changing. Things that Riva is pushed back all these years are now surfacing and she can’t handle it all. Thankfully, at the hospital, she is offered help by smelly nuns and is able to get better, hopefully. (Although I’m pretty sure she will never be the same).

It’s interesting how, although Riva seems pretty normal on the outside, one can follow her mental decline through her italicized notes to Phil. She begins stating things like, “I drive the car home and think of you, Phil, faraway and invisible, even my mother speaking of you, as does this sad ache, thoughts of you, you are thoughts, springing up everywhere” (131), “I dreamed of you...how we loved each other” (133), and “come live with me and be my lunch” (140). But then, you can sense her starting her decline with she starts to say things like, “you are the man removing my bobby pins, my hair unfurling” (140), “where did you go?” (143), “why do you haunt me?” (153), “I long for you” (154), and “please die” (162). Through these passages, which are listed in chronological order, we can see how Riva starts out with longing for Phil’s love and company because the love and company of her husband seems almost non-existent. But, as time goes on, Riva becomes obsessed with this idea of being with Phil, to the point when she can’t stop thinking of him, and it seems like he is following her, haunting her, and won’t go away. She asks him to die, symbolizing her break and how she wants to be cut from all the ties that seem to haunt her: her job, her husband, and her ghost lover.

All in all, I think “To Fill” served as a great ending to Moore’s Self Help because it helped symbolizing what could happen when unfortunate things go on for too long. Any one of her other characters could have experienced a similar break in accordance with their situations. One character who I see possibly have a similar episode to Riva (maybe not stabbing but something bad like it) is Ginnie, who has been left alone and may never find someone to keep her company in life. All in all, the mental complexity of all of Moore’s characters are very impressive and allow for the reader to think like the narrator and envision being in one of their binding situations. I can’t imagine experiencing a break similar to Riva, but then again, she didn’t see it coming either, she was just trying to cope while her world was crumbling around her.

Do I really want to become a writer?

After reading Moore’s “How to Become a Writer”, the question still stands: Do I really want to become a writer? I mean, I’ve always had an interest in writing, though I’m not sure I would ever pursue it as a profession. But, you never know. Things may pan out that way. What I do know is that after reading “How to Become a Writer”, I’m even more unsure about going down the path of a writer. Francie shows us that one must be ready to cut all ties with people and give up having a secure future if they truly want to become a writer. One must also be ready for constant rejection and disbelief. Get ready for solitude and a possible non-existent social life (kind of sounds like Uni...). Basically, if you want to become a writer, you better be ready for the treacherous road ahead.

But Francie isn’t alone in this thought process. According to Ryan Holiday of the thought catalog, the first mistake in people who want to become a writer is that they want to become a writer. When one says that, they are stating that their end goal is to be labeled as “writer”, but writing isn’t a label one should strive to have, because it doesn’t really exist. As the thought catalog states “the problem is identifying as a writer. As though assembling words together is somehow its own activity. It isn’t”. According to Mr. Holiday, if your goal in mind is to become a writer, just stop what you’re doing because you aren’t going to be very successful. Instead, just write for the heck of it. Write because you have something to say. Write for a short-term purpose. “So if you want to be a writer, put “writing” on hold for a while. When you find something that is new and different and you can’t wait for share with the world, you’ll beat your fat hands against the keyboard until you get it out in one form or another” (Holiday). Write because you HAVE something to say, not that you NEED something to say.

So, do I really want to become a writer? Well, I suppose not as a full time job, but I still would find it interesting. If I do, I think I will follow Mr. Holiday’s philosophy and only write when I have something to say, which may mean that I would have to make writing a side job. One thing that really impressed me in “How to Become a Writer” is Francie’s excitement towards writing. Even though all her ideas get shot down, she still gets excited everything a new idea pops into her head and makes it on paper. “The only happiness you have is writing something new, in the middle of the night, armpits damp, heart pounding, something no one has yet seen” (122). No one gets Francie’s violent, plotless writing style, but that doesn’t stop her. She has a passion for writing and no one can veer her away from this path. That is what you must have if you want to become a writer. A passion. A powerful drive to dive deep into a lifestyle with no end goal. Similar to what Mr. Holiday stated, Francie didn’t start out wanting to become a writer. She didn’t even know that she could pursue writing. But she wrote whenever a new and exciting idea popped into her head, and when her ideas were questioned and shot down by her peers, she stuck to her guns. (Even when she was up against her mother). Assumably these peers aren’t the only people she has had to face, it is impressive that she has yet to back down because of her focused drive into the fogginess of writing.

Like I said, this kind of attitude is quite impressive and one that I (unfortunately) do not share. Now, when it comes to other fields, I probably will share that same passion, just not with writing (sorry Mr. Mitchell). So, did this story make me want to become a writer? No, but it did make me respect the profession. All the work and sacrifices Francie has and will continue to make in her life are quite noteworthy and inspiring.

(By the way, here’s the article if ya’ll wanna check it out: http://thoughtcatalog.com/ryan-holiday/2013/07/so-you-want-to-be-a-writer-thats-mistake-1/).