Haunting Pasts

“I felt close to them, yes, but I also felt a new sense of separation. My fatigues were starched; I had a neat haircut and the clean, sterile smell of the rear. They were still my buddies, at least on one level, but once you leave the boonies, the whole comrade business gets turned around. You become a civilian” (184-185). In “The Ghost Soldiers”, Tim expresses his displeasure in becoming separated from his troupe. Since he was badly injured (because he was initially badly treated for his injury), Tim has been sent to a base where he can rest and recover, away from the Alpha Company, his brothers. In a sense, Tim, himself, feels like a ghost soldier. Even though he is one of the members of the group, he still feels separated. He doesn’t go on missions with them, endure the same intense climates, or share the same battle wounds any more. Although he is still in the war, he isn’t doing anything. This is one of the reasons he can’t seem to forgive Bobby Jorgenson for freezing up when Tim needed him. Because Bobby isn’t Rat Kiley. Because Bobby messed up. Because Bobby is Bobby. More importantly, because Bobby is the new Tim. (Figuratively speaking, of course). I think Tim understands that, since Bobby was new, that he should cut him some slack for freaking out the first time out on the job. But, think about what happened after the injury. Tim was left at a base to recover, while his brothers and Bobby Jorgenson went off together to fight some more. In a sense, Bobby has replaced Tim in the company, filling that empty spot. (Now, I know, technically, Bobby replaced Rat,  but I’m talking symbolism here). Tim’s ass was literally on the line and Bobby, not only blew it, but he also gets to walk away scot-free.

When Tim was still with the Alpha Company, he felt the physical and emotional aspects of the war, even though he was either listening to a story or watching an event. But, being on a sort of house arrest has made Tim aware of this new found disconnect he has with his company. And knowing what has put him in this situation only makes his injuries hurt worse which makes both his emotional and physical pain more prevalent. In essence, Tim has become a new ghostly face of the war. Before, Tim mentions how he couldn’t remember people’s faces because he was too afraid to look at them, so they just remained this faceless figures in his memory. So, in order to convey the true experience through his writing, he gives them in depth faces and pasts so we can feel the same way he felt. In “The Man I Killed”, Tim gives the dead soldier a face, past, and future that he could have had, even though he doesn’t know the man. For us, as readers, if we know the character more, we can feel more of a connection and therefore have a more emotional reaction if they die. But for Tim, he didn’t have those descriptions, and yet he still felt the same. He didn’t even know the man, let alone was the one to kill him, but he still felt the same guilt and remorse. Back at the base, Tim feels like he doesn’t even know his troupe anymore. Just a ghostly soldier, waiting for him brothers to come see him and then leave him behind, over and over again.

Through this, we can see that Tim writes for two reasons: First, to give us a true war story, and second, to relive his true past. In the last chapter, Tim explains that writing these stories helps him experience them again, but in the way he wants to. Tim writes in a way that puts him in the story, even though in reality, he could be seen as one who just fades to the background. And although, for some soldiers, writing can be seen as therapeutic, I’m not so sure if that’s the case for Tim. Most ex-soldier write to unscramble their thoughts and lay everything on the table. But for Tim, it’s different. He didn’t look, he just felt, so he adds details to his writing, adding on to his stories, making them more complicated and emotionally charged. It almost seems that, in order to make up for the fact that his memory is clouded with faceless images of people from the war and to make up for his fade out of his company, he just attaches a face to them and adds details that help him remember his time in the war. I feel like this is Tim’s way of conveying his guilt, first, towards the Vietnam people, whom he generally disregarded and barely mentions in any of his stories, and second, towards himself. He attaches faces to the Vietnam people in his writing to humanize them and not make them seem like just a target. Even when he goes back to Vietnam and sees the farmer’s dark face, he tries to wave at him and establish some connection. But the farmer just raises his shovel above his head and goes back to work, seemingly unfazed and uninterested in Tim’s presence. It’s too late, for the war is over and people have gone back to their normal lives. A time for connection it over.

So, in essence, the war his Tim’s ghost of the past. It haunts him every day as he writes to relive his experiences and add meaning to them. In the end, Tim initially places the blame of his troubles on Bobby, because he seems like an easy target, but in reality, he knows that he is one to blame. He blames himself for the way he acted in the war and how he remembers events. He invents war stories in which he is either the center or an innocent bystander to make up for the fact that he either just stood there or failed his mission. Even though he wasn’t involved in every situation, Tim always felt huge waves of emotion as the things he carried piled up, but without purpose, meaning, or even a face. Not only the physical weight, but the ghostly weight of the stories he heard and things he saw were brought with him everywhere he went. He has been unable to escape his past, so he writes to clear his mind and focus on the future, if that can even be possible.